Thursday, March 31, 2011






They say in life, everything happens for a reason.
I believe this is why I wasn't able to receive another day to sleep in and had to adhere to errands past due. This was a grand start minus the fact that I won't be able to see my soul sister tomorrow, Ms. Emily Ann Fortunato, because I have to work an event all day during the weekend except for Sunday. I LOVE working and also the fact that I'll be working with children. I love kids and one day I will have that house, career, 3 children with the white picket fence I've always wanted as a little girl! What an amazing feeling it'll be, it'll be all mine including the man. I LOVE that whole-heartedly!

Speaking of men, it reminds of the 2 men from my past who are seemingly try to lure themselves back into my life. The only thing that I strive to do in terms of those characters, is ignore them, and if they are still prying their way into my life....

My best friend, Abby, says "A restraining order" is the way to go!!! I LOVE Abby and I always say this, but thank God for her because what would I do without having this woman to put me in check?! Also, the very fact that we both are chatter-boxes.
For instance, the time she told me that I adored a certain someone this past year because almost every conversation was about him, and I'd say "No, Abby!!! I don't know what you are talking about!!!?" She'd go on to say "You can lie to everyone else but I am your best friend and I know how you feel about that man!!" LOL I LOVE that girl: she's knows my soul too well. There's not many people in the Universe you can call up at 2:00am in the morning to chat about Mr. Big "BF", or the fact that Gerard contacted me today to hang via text messages but, only because he wants my cookies from the cookie jar. I ignored him though, he's not the one I desire. He can't have any of my cookies, they are on lock-down. He just equates that freaking "NO" with a "YES" and, so does Mr. S who called today, leaving a voicemail message because he doesn't know what's going on in my life, the fact that he hasn't been dating me for 2 years and, he isn't ever allowed to date me again. Besides it's hard to be friends with someone who's nice but psychotic. I deserve the very best so Mr. S and Gerard have to kick rocks, I'm no ones piece of meat (I'm my own piece of meat lol). Mr. S and I never really had a sex life but this is irrelevant. I'm content with that, it was a learning experience and I think I've been through enough douche-bags to know the "real thing" when I see it.

Otherwise, today has been an amazing journey.
"I can't give into what I don't want but, can give into what I do want."
With everyday there's always going to be a new experience, a new thing, a memory from the past coming to life including someone from the past trying to become part of your life, when they have no regard for you or your feelings, they'll be an ex-alcoholic guy you've dated wanting to open your cookie jar, or one who's obssessed with you. Sometimes, I think all the time, it's best to do what is within your heart and soul rather then succumb to the want of others. That's love and respect for you and, the others. It's never good to manipulate one another. I know what I want and will have it!!!! You'll see. I'm a winner!!

I LOVE You Thoughts....

"Rookie Reflections..."


If I could ask God for anything better in this world, it'd be for the love of people. People old and new!! Every day I wake from a deep dark slumber, I seek, I breathe and yet I taste love. Though everything is not in terms of how I would like it to be, it is there. This is what I am most thankful for. I can break away for a day or two and still know that I am loved.

This morning when I awoke, I was cranky as hell but, then as soon as I was dressed and ready, I realized that every day (even though I know) when I rise I am blessed. For this very gift I am thankful. In time, I will have everything my little brown heart desires, if not, even more. This is just an example of how much love I can give when the effort is put forth. However there is no effort bearing in knowing who I am and how I feel about it. Although, I've never been loved the way I wanted to be loved by the first example in my life, I have loved even harder, and have loved my very example too. Every time someone hurt me as a little girl, I came back harder. I was always a fighter I just never knew how tough, till I fought that man when I was 12.5 years of age: I fought him through my very words and actions, punching back saying enough is enough. I will not let you hurt me anymore nor threaten me with hurting my very blood brothers down the hall. You aren't a man, you son of a bitch!!!!!!! I meant everyone word of it, and even though I tried to conceal my feelings they had still contracted. Those feelings were on the verge of letting go and I knew that I would be the "One" (until some odd years later) to be silent and still because they'll not listen at all, but to protect us as a family so we may stay together. Back then, I was a brat but, all brats deserve to be loved and I knew that wasn't love (what that man had done to me: blood or no blood). However, I wanted my example to be the very constant in my life, always there. They weren't but I forgave them and loved even more. This too, is why on this day I am thankful that I woke up as "HAPPY" as a lady-bug as I had been as a child and, smiled.

We were working on the set of "Rookies." I consumed every moment of love given from everyone on set. It was beautiful. I have always loved a pen and pencil as much as I've LOVED the stage and mirror as a little girl!
I can remember my step-father, Big Andy and my mother concurring, "KYEMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get out of the mirror!!!!!!!" The mirror was my love other than Barbie and Barney. I will never forget those memories for those memories and that man always kept my little soul safe from harm! I was his baby-girl too. I never understood their relationship but, I knew it wasn't right. No matter what abuse, he loved her and wanted the best for her. The problem is you can't change the one you're with; you can only love them for who they are. I've always said to myself, that when I have my little, tall family, my children come first and they are my world, no matter what! Men come and go, your husband may croak but those little "Angels" are your life!!! I am a good girl, a sexual creature but a very good, determined young woman! I desire what I crave and go after it ten times harder because I know that I deserve it. I'll ALWAYS be that HAPPY, EXCITED child locked in her dreams but, will make em' happen. I have learned so much over the years through trials and tribulations of men, my mother's men, and my men (the ones I have dated or have had relations with). The difference is I know better. It's because I was always the mother at heart which I believe to be true. I grew up fast but I grew up, always happy yet sad but my soul was always happy. I knew the mirror and a love movie and, being on stage would be my greatest goal but it was more than just that.

Furthermore so what I am saying is today when I was there, for a moment, on set with my friend, my sisterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Joyce: I had begun to see that I had made everything I wanted happen for me that is why I am always so "ECSTATIC" and my children and their children's children will be too. The fact that I have made others smile, spoke of writing and studying for a Masters with my friends, today especially, Joyce, was a good feeling. She and I are two romantics and we were the liveliest, wild 2 women on board. We're crazy and cool but we connect. Everyone on board connected, we were just too excoted. I even got to see Joy Song from 3 years ago and that made me happy. We are all motivated, blessed, positive women with a glow!!! We are out top seek love, adventure, sex, dreams, a career as an Actress and an education. I LOVE them. I will always protect what's mine. I may be illegitimate but, in my world that "word" doesn't exist. The truth is I exist. I started to exist 25 years ago and it felt great and so are all of these beautiful women, on set with me today. We've brought back memories of The 13th Street Repertory Theatre, and The Michael Chekov Theatre, Tom Harlan, Michael Horn, our Dreams, men and sex. Ooops this was in our conversation a million times (between Joyce Elwick, Vivian Campbell and the entire world now)...

We can't deny our adventures in the land of “Show Biz and The Game.”

Welcome to my life...

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

"Rookie Reflections..."

If I could ask God for anything better in this world, it'd be for the love of people. People old and new!! Everyday I wake from a deep dark slumber, I seek, I breathe and yet I taste love. Though everything is not in terms of how I would like it to be, it is there. This is what I am most thankful for. I can break away for a day or two and still know that I am loved.

This morning when I awoke, I was cranky as hell but, then as soon as I was dressed and ready, I realized that everyday (even though I know) when I rise I am blessed. For this very gift I am thankful. In time, I will have everything my little brown heart desires, if not, even more. This is just an example of how much love I can give when the effort is put forth. However there is no effort bearing in knowing who I am and how I feel about. Although, I've never been loved the way I wanted to be loved by the first example in my life, I have loved even harder, and my very example too. Every time someone hurt me as a little girl, I came back harder. I was always a fighter I just never knew how tough, till I fought that man when I was 12.5 years of age: I fought him through my very words and actions, punching back saying enough is enough. I will not let you hurt me anymore nor threaten me with hurting my very blood brothers down the hall. You aren't a man, you son of a bitch!!!!!!! I meant everyone word of it, and even though I tried to conceal my feelings they had still contracted. Those feelings were on the verge of letting go and I knew that I would be the "One" to be silent and still because they'll not listen at all, but to protect us as a family so we may stay together. Back then, I was a brat but, all brat deserve to be loved and I know that wasn't love. However, I wanted my example to be the very constant in my life, always there. They weren't but I forgived and loved even more. This too, is why on this day I am thankful that I woke up as "HAPPY" as a lady-bug as I had been as a child and smiled.

We were working on the set of "Rookies." I consumed every moment of love given from everyone on set. It was beautiful. I have always loved a pen and pencil as much as I've LOVED the stage and mirror as a little girl! I can remember my step-father, Big Andy and my mother concurring, "KYEMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get out of the mirror.." The mirror was my love other than Barbie and Barney. I will never forget those memories for those memories and that man always kept my little soul safe from harm! I was his baby-girl too. I never understood their relationship but, I knew it wasn't right. No matter what abuse, he loved her and wanted the best for her. The problem is you can't change the one you're with you can only love them for who they are. I've always said to myself, that when I have my little tall family, my children come first and they are my world, no matter what! Men come and go, your husband may croak but those little "Angels" are your life! I am a good girl, a sexual creature but a very good, determined young woman! I desire what I crave and go after it ten times harder because I know that I deserve it. I'll ALWAYS be that HAPPY, EXCITED child locked in her dreams but, will make em' happen. I have learned so much over the years through trials and tribulations of men, my mother's men, and my men: the difference is, I know better. It's because I was always the mother at heart which I believe to be true. I grew up but I grew up, always happy yet sad but my soul was always happy. I knew the mirror and a love movie and, being on stage would be my greatest goal but it was more than just that.

And, so what I am saying is today when I was there, for a moment, on set with my friend, my sisterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Joyce:I had begun to see that I had made everything I wanted happen for me that is why I am always so "HAPPY" and my children and their children's children will be "HAPPY." The fact that I was made others smile, spoke of writing and studying for a masters with my friends, today especially, Joyce was a good feeling. She and I are two romantics and we were the livest 2 on board. We're wild, crazy and cool but we connect. Everyone on board connected, we were just too happy. I even got to see Joy Song from 3 years ago and that made me happy. we are all motivated, blessed, positive women with a glow. We seek love, adventure, sex, dreams, a career as an Actress and an education. I LOVE them. I will always protect what's mine. I may be illegitimate but, in my world that "word" doesn't exist. The truth is, I exist. I started to exist 25 years ago and it felt great and so are all of these beautiful women, on set with me today. we've brought back memories of The 13th Street Repertory Theatre, Tom Harlan, Michael Horn, Our Dreams, Men and Sex. Ooops this was in our conversation a million times (between Joyce Elwick, Vivian Campbell and the entire world now)...

We can't deny our adventures in the land of Show Biz and the game. Welcome to my life...

Thoughts part 2 By: Vivian Campbell

He said he'd love to see me, like back then. I told him that my "cookies" will remain in the cookie jar just for my non-existent future husband! He said that's cool, I wanna chill w/ you, watch a movie, have a drink or 2. Maybe he really wants to see me but, I never go backward I must go forward. Who knows?

I think he means well. At least he takes action. And at least he's not like that guy at Bar None's Hostess Event who shook my hand, tried to pull me in w/ sex in his eyes. He was a cute white guy but, not what the doctor ordered. Perhaps, I've been right all along and that I will marry a white guy, for they are ones who like me the most. My soul or something... Nevertheless!!!!!!!!!!! The answer is no, my child. In the end, you will marry whomever steals your heart and whose tall!!!!!!!! It's supposed to be that way although, I can count the list of all the white guys I've dated versus the black, indian and arabic guys yet that matters none. Love or attraction knows no color. I was captivated by their spirit and I thought for one moment that they were it. It turns out that they weren't no matter the creed or color, men may think the same but they aren't all the same! They're just men! I LOVE men but, I value that which is "me" wholeheartedly! I deserve the very best and, so I am saying that I'm not giving up on my cookies, just protecting them for something greater. Therefore, if he is the one I will know. This one knew he wasn't the one but, he still wants to see me. My best friend thinks he's done bamboozled me, and he hasn't. I never gave anything but, he just wants to watch a movie and I really want to go yet my soul is telling me no.. I wonder if my soul will surrender. Chances are once in a lifetime but, a contradiction because everyday you rise out of slumber, that is your chance to give it ALL you've got!!!!!!!!

Since the night has sprung I haven't given him an answer but, somehow when you tell a guy no, he equates the "no" with a yes. I feel as though if you haven't got me on Cloud 9, you haven't got me at all. You had me intimately and I wanted more, you never gave so you left. If it's so easy for you to up and leave maybe, it's your company I shouldn't keep. But, then I think at least you care enough to ask how I'm doing even if I don't know what you want. We don't mesh well but you are swell. You had made feel good back then, but I always feel good. I'm the happiest woman I know like "Charlotte" from "Sex and The City." I have everything I could ever want yet I value the fact that you wanna spend your time with me but, my soul is telling me no, no, no, Vivian- he's not what you want so don't go!!!! Who knows now. Can't make you nor the world happy, be the change you wanna see. I wanna see but then I don't. What I am really saying is that.... I won't...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Ready

As we reflect upon the times
The days, the months go by and we seek to find what we desire the most. It doesn't mean that this is right nor wrong because there is no wrong or right answer when it comes to your life, and the completion of it.
Whatever your soul is after is whatever the heart desires
One would speculate in life, that time will change, but everything will change
The common ground we all have here is time.
Elizabeth Taylor died yesterday, March 23, 2011 and she had time.
She had time for life, love, a beautiful career, being a leader and a phenomenal woman!
Time comes to pass for everyone, it's what we do with this time that makes us who we are.
We are golden,
Poignant,
Speechless,
A melody,
A phrase,
A heart beat,
An imperfect pair,
A ribbon in the sky,
We can be anything we want to be, we have anything we want to have,
We can ascertain all of these treasures as long as we believe
Believe in love, good grace, and the universe
The Universe and what's unknown to man
What's unknown is the best part because that's what makes life so extraordinary
Because it is unforgettable and we never know what is truly in store...
Yet I gather, we are ready...

Sunday, March 13, 2011

"The Times Are Interesting"

We're in times of danger, interesting yet near the end. There's war between nations and Tsunami's in Japan. The people can't ponder it all thoroughly because they have the government as their right hand comrade. We believe what we see and we are the fool at large. It's true that we are conditioned to be believe what we see; what the government may tell us. But, this is only the carelessness of a fool. For, if one takes the time to research and cut down the bottom of the apple to its core, we'd know the truth. The signs that are given is only a testament of what's to come. This world is bigger than you and I, we should always lend a helping hand, love our neighbor and be kind to our enemy. We must let go of the pride that consumes our soul, it gets us no where. In the end, it true what was said "from ashes to ashes, dust to dust." It will not become any simpler than this. To love, cherish and seek help but, not be above the great one. Loving is beautiful. A gift that should be honored.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Crazy

Crazy cause you got my head spinning
Crazy because I never thought I could win it
Crazy cause when I see you it's a battle
crazy cause my heart melts and I haven't even gone into full throttle
You make my heart sink
its gone deeper and deeper
but you're a douche bag and I'm absolutely crazy for you: aint that a bitch
Crazy, Crazy, Crazy how I hate you but, when I am near,
Try so hard to ignore but, through the hour glass it's clear
That you're the one that I want; that's why it's crazy
Would try to get over you if I could
It's fucking crazy, rather have a glass of wine and not think about you forever
You're a player, you're whore, you haven't met the perfect score
But.....
I'm talking all this shit but in the back of my mind I know this one is it
It's crazy
haha if only I could find a nice European
It's crazy,
Because I really don't want that nice European
Crazy,
Gone mad,
Like "Breakfast at Tiffany's"
Someday, somehow I'll get over you,
Till' now this is crazy

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Letter to the Heavens

Nothing is as surreal as what I feel for you
Nothing is as sacred as our connection
We are the two
The two interwined on a path to ride
I wanna give it to you
All of it
Unto to you
You make me happy
You make me smile
You have got me thinking about being with child
Marriage and climbing up the ladder
Doing miraculous things
With you in my life,
I know I don't require a man to make it rain
You are the man and with the man I can stand
You are my God and I am your child
Within the heavens and throughout the light you cast your love upon me for this sex kitten to take flight
You have always known that I was a sexual creature, considering what happened
You have taken mercy upon my soul
You said it'd been always imperative that I am tight
And when the time was right, you'd send me the right man
The right type
Black, White or Jew, it's always right when it comes through you heavenly father
You have always been with, even when I hurt at 11-13 years,
you were the rod and I was the spear
You were always there along with the voice inside my head,
you gave me more family and a stepfamily that loves me more than I could bear,
And when they came back we were back on the right track.
YOU LOVED me, just LIKE I LOVED and still do love you
You made love to your child and through this child you have opened the minds of the world,
In the midst of all this destrcution, you have seen it coming
You knew
You knew
You knew
When I would be ready,
for love, a family, children of my own along with that self-destructive blackberry,
So before I make love to any soul or to a party, I give unto you my love,
Unconditionally,
Because without you GOD, I would not be:
Happy, Sexual, Humble, Expressive and Loving in all forms of the nature,
We fall down but we get up and unto you this lesson is everything but unjust,
I LOVE you and am HAPPY that you love,
So whatever I call myself, I know what is to be
And whenever the time is right, You will send the right soul,
The right one and we will take flight
I'm ready....and will not have asked for anything more...
So while the clouds are raining I'l be waiting,
Smiling and partying the night through the rain until you say,
"My Child, It is Time..."