Thursday, March 31, 2011
If I could ask God for anything better in this world, it'd be for the love of people. People old and new!! Every day I wake from a deep dark slumber, I seek, I breathe and yet I taste love. Though everything is not in terms of how I would like it to be, it is there. This is what I am most thankful for. I can break away for a day or two and still know that I am loved.
This morning when I awoke, I was cranky as hell but, then as soon as I was dressed and ready, I realized that every day (even though I know) when I rise I am blessed. For this very gift I am thankful. In time, I will have everything my little brown heart desires, if not, even more. This is just an example of how much love I can give when the effort is put forth. However there is no effort bearing in knowing who I am and how I feel about it. Although, I've never been loved the way I wanted to be loved by the first example in my life, I have loved even harder, and have loved my very example too. Every time someone hurt me as a little girl, I came back harder. I was always a fighter I just never knew how tough, till I fought that man when I was 12.5 years of age: I fought him through my very words and actions, punching back saying enough is enough. I will not let you hurt me anymore nor threaten me with hurting my very blood brothers down the hall. You aren't a man, you son of a bitch!!!!!!! I meant everyone word of it, and even though I tried to conceal my feelings they had still contracted. Those feelings were on the verge of letting go and I knew that I would be the "One" (until some odd years later) to be silent and still because they'll not listen at all, but to protect us as a family so we may stay together. Back then, I was a brat but, all brats deserve to be loved and I knew that wasn't love (what that man had done to me: blood or no blood). However, I wanted my example to be the very constant in my life, always there. They weren't but I forgave them and loved even more. This too, is why on this day I am thankful that I woke up as "HAPPY" as a lady-bug as I had been as a child and, smiled.
We were working on the set of "Rookies." I consumed every moment of love given from everyone on set. It was beautiful. I have always loved a pen and pencil as much as I've LOVED the stage and mirror as a little girl!
I can remember my step-father, Big Andy and my mother concurring, "KYEMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get out of the mirror!!!!!!!" The mirror was my love other than Barbie and Barney. I will never forget those memories for those memories and that man always kept my little soul safe from harm! I was his baby-girl too. I never understood their relationship but, I knew it wasn't right. No matter what abuse, he loved her and wanted the best for her. The problem is you can't change the one you're with; you can only love them for who they are. I've always said to myself, that when I have my little, tall family, my children come first and they are my world, no matter what! Men come and go, your husband may croak but those little "Angels" are your life!!! I am a good girl, a sexual creature but a very good, determined young woman! I desire what I crave and go after it ten times harder because I know that I deserve it. I'll ALWAYS be that HAPPY, EXCITED child locked in her dreams but, will make em' happen. I have learned so much over the years through trials and tribulations of men, my mother's men, and my men (the ones I have dated or have had relations with). The difference is I know better. It's because I was always the mother at heart which I believe to be true. I grew up fast but I grew up, always happy yet sad but my soul was always happy. I knew the mirror and a love movie and, being on stage would be my greatest goal but it was more than just that.
Furthermore so what I am saying is today when I was there, for a moment, on set with my friend, my sisterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Joyce: I had begun to see that I had made everything I wanted happen for me that is why I am always so "ECSTATIC" and my children and their children's children will be too. The fact that I have made others smile, spoke of writing and studying for a Masters with my friends, today especially, Joyce, was a good feeling. She and I are two romantics and we were the liveliest, wild 2 women on board. We're crazy and cool but we connect. Everyone on board connected, we were just too excoted. I even got to see Joy Song from 3 years ago and that made me happy. We are all motivated, blessed, positive women with a glow!!! We are out top seek love, adventure, sex, dreams, a career as an Actress and an education. I LOVE them. I will always protect what's mine. I may be illegitimate but, in my world that "word" doesn't exist. The truth is I exist. I started to exist 25 years ago and it felt great and so are all of these beautiful women, on set with me today. We've brought back memories of The 13th Street Repertory Theatre, and The Michael Chekov Theatre, Tom Harlan, Michael Horn, our Dreams, men and sex. Ooops this was in our conversation a million times (between Joyce Elwick, Vivian Campbell and the entire world now)...
We can't deny our adventures in the land of “Show Biz and The Game.”
Welcome to my life...